When I was young I wasn’t very popular with the boys. My incredible shyness did not help matters, even as I got into my late teens. Yet there was a point in school where I seemed to be the “bees knees”.
I peaked in elementary school.
It was the summer before sixth grade when I first starting getting phone calls from a couple of boys in my class. I had no clue why, but it was a nice confidence boost to my 12-year-old ego. We would have innocent conversations of how our summers were and how excited, but not excited we were to start school. Most of them were brief in length and ended with the question “Would you be my girlfriend?”. A question I would deflect because the thought still terrified me. What did it mean to be someone’s girlfriend? I had no clue and didn’t plan on finding out. I would nicely state each time that I would have to think about.
Throughout the school year the two boys would persistently call me and by spring break I had a mini fan club that doubled in size. One time in particular all four boys called me from one their houses and fought over who could talk to me. Or I should say fought over who gets to listen to me breath because once again I was fucking shy. Still the small convo between long pauses of awkward silences was interesting. Again the conversations would always end up about who I was going to pick to be my boyfriend. The truth is that I never said yes to them before because I think I liked the feeling of being wanted. Another part of me believed that it was just some big joke that they came up with when they were bored one day. Let’s be honest, these boys would have had to be masterminds to plan a eight month old plan to trick some girl just for fun. Or completely bored psychopaths. I think I was giving these preteen boys too much credit.
Eventually I realized I liked the attention from one of the boys more than the others, Trevor*. After asking again I finally said yes to being his girlfriend. The other boys gave up easily and moved on except for Trevor’s best friend Bryan*. Bryan had been the first one who liked me or at least made it known. To be honest he had been asking me out regularly since the fourth grade. His level of awkwardness went beyond mine with his orangish red hair and freckle spotted skin. I always thought of Chuckie from Rugrats when I looked at him and not a potential boyfriend. One day during spring break Trevor, Bryan and a couple of the ex-members of my fan club decided to come over to my house. My parents were at work and my brother was off doing who knows what with his friends. (I look back now and wonder how bad my dad would have freaked out at the thought of his baby alone with four boys.)
The five of us sitting on my couch was even more awkward then the phone conversations. I could tell some of the boys were bored as they watched Trevor and I hold hands. Finally one of the two other boys(whose name I can’t remember) jokingly suggested that Trevor and I should kiss. My stomach jumped and I felt sick to think about the pressure of having our first kiss in front of an audience. To make it worse Bryan (who was still “in love” with me) looked horrified at the thought. He started to leave the room saying he didn’t want to see it when the other boys held him down. They thought it would be hilarious to force him to watch.(WORST FRIENDS EVER, right?) Under the pressure of the small group, Trevor and I reluctantly shared our first kiss. Trevor’s lips were soft and tightly pursed together. As if he was keeping something in his mouth from coming out. I mimicked this because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. So many questions racing through my head. Should it be this long? Where do my my hands go? Why does anyone like this? On top these thoughts, I swear I could hear Bryan’s heart break. It wasn’t my proudest moment. Luckily for him it was brief and quite frankly the beginning of the end of my “relationship” with Trevor we broke up with a couple of weeks.
Personally as a very innocent twelve year old, the pecks on the lips every so often were way to advanced for me. Even holding hands turned my stomach into knots just thinking about it. Trevor would be a lot of firsts for me (more on this later), but the kiss will be something I will never forget. It made me realize that having a boyfriend was not all it was cracked up to be. Not to mention, it will forever be a unbearably awkward moment in my history.
*Names have been changed, not that these two now grown men would be reading this lady’s blog. If for some reason they did, WHATS UP, guys? Catch you at the reunion?