Monthly Blogging Break

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I wanted to take a break from my awesome blogging format of recounting my childhood awkwardness, to rant a bit. I started this blog because I love writing and while I know I am not the best at proofreading my own crap (I notice errors AFTER I publish each post). I do feel like I have found my voice here. I hope that if anyone ever gets around to reading this they will find it hilarious or at least mildly entertaining. I was really hoping that people could relate to me in all my gawkiness. The only problem is that I have only talked about who I was as a preteen. There hasn’t been much explaining of who I am now. Well this is me…

Hi everyone! My name is Ashley. I am in my late twenties and have been married for four years TODAY (GO ME! I guess my husband should get credit too). I recently quit my good paying (AKA horrible) job to focus on things I actually like doing. Some of things apparently include getting sucked into The Good Wife on Amazon Prime. How have I lived my life without this show? Besides the mindless distractions of excellent TV shows I do try to get a little blogging in there as well. At least I am attempting to. This rant is going off topic, which only shows my second weakness out of the thousand that I could list (first being proofreading). I did warn at the beginning of post that it would be a rant. I didn’t say it would be focused or even intelligible. Anyway I love all types of writing mostly creative nonfiction. It might sound conceited, but I think I am at my best when I write about myself. It’s not just about me, but remembering people or places in those stories makes me realize that I haven’t lead that boring of a life.   The phrase “write what you know” really stuck with me from creative writing classes in college even if I really want to fight through that writing cliché.

My writing life started the day I started to journal all my little angsty thoughts into a tiny purple Lisa Frank notebook with tiny bright green aliens on the cover. (1999 at its finest!) Amongst the various grammar and spelling errors were stories of heartbreak, infatuations, and even more heartbreak (junior high was not good to me). After reading them years later I realized I was an idiot, but quite comical. Frankly I love anything that I can read and relate to. One of the reasons I wanted to start blogging was after reading The Bloggess’ book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Her stories are so personal and are some of the most hysterical things I have ever read. Now I can only hope to be as successful as she has been, but that not reason I started it. I just want people to read my blog and either think, this chick is hilarious, or I can write a better blog than this. Either way I have made people feel something after reading my stories.

I have always wanted to start and stick with a blog. Believe me, there has been a couple that I tried only to come across them months later. (Poor little orphan blogs) I am a natural born quitter who is taking the necessary steps to change her ways. No, I don’t plan on quitting this one; even if months down the line there is no one reading. I am not writing this for followers, I am writing this for myself.

So each week I will be talking about my changes in my present, or just completely rambling on.  It’s a toss up at this point.

Summertime Sister Girlfriends Part 1…

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In the summer before seventh grade I was in love. His name was Luke* and I obviously was going to marry him and mother his children. I had actually been in love with Luke since fifth grade when his family moved to my ridiculously small town, but every girl was. He was quite dreamy with his big blue eyes and strawberry blonde bowl cut. He basically looked like a more attainable Devon Sawa with a little Brad Renfro mixed in. The problem was that my best friend, Anna* was also in love with him. Nothing was more thrilling than finding out that we rode our bikes past his house every day to get to each other’s. With this new information we made a pact that we would make him fall in love with both of us and ultimately share him. Yes we were going to be Sister Girlfriends. It was quite ambitious but it was the beginning of summer vacation and we were determined.

Our mission was set and the first step was to make sure that Luke knew we existed. So we did what every logical twelve year old girl would do, call his house and hang up about fifty times. That was until we worked up the nerve to actually talk to him on the phone. By we I meant Anna because I was still a crazy wreck with boys. The phone conversations were not long just asked what’s up? or what did you do today? His answers were usually something dreamy like watched some TV, took my little brothers to swim in the river, or mowed the lawn. Yes, Anna and I pretty much thought Luke was the coolest person ever. Eventually we needed more. We started riding our bikes past his house just waiting for chance to get a glance of that beautiful bowl cut of his.

One day I was on my way to Anna’s when I saw Luke jumping on his trampoline in his front yard with his little brother and his best friend Bryan*. Bryan yelled “Hey, what’s your number, girl?” at me as I rode past. I couldn’t peddle fast enough to get to Anna’s to tell her. There was no way I talk to Luke and Bryan by myself. Not to mention it would break the number one rule in our summer pact. We promised to never see Luke without the other. Our thought process was that if he spent equal time with us then he couldn’t help but fall in love with both of us. Got to love preteen logic. When Anna and I rode by his house they were all still outside. This time was not the first we saw Luke outside his house, normally we had the “shy wave and giggle drive by” protocol. Anna boldly decided that this day would be different. We were going to jump on Luke’s awesome trampoline.

Next time…. First three person date, heartbreak and betrayal…

*Names have been changed for the privacy of the people who will probably never see this anyway.

Naked Lesbian dances with your BFF.

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News travels fast in junior high. One minute you are in German class trying your best to connect with a couple of slightly popular girls. You gab over hilarious stories of being nerds with your friends. You tell one story silly story about putting glow stars all over your body and dancing around in your pitch-dark bedroom and the lesbian rumors are in full effect by afternoon gym class.

First of all it should be noted that I didn’t realize I had an arch nemesis in seventh grade. Her name was Breanna Morris* and apparently it was her life’s mission to make mine miserable. At the time of this alleged story I had no idea that she hated me. I didn’t think anyone had any opinion of me. I mostly kept to my small group of friends and generally felt invisible to the whole school. I thought of myself as being too average to even be noticed, let alone hated.

Yet she did hate me for some reason. The only reason I could figure out was the fact that I beat her out of a spot for Youth Honor Choir in sixth grade. I remember a rumor spreading after the fact that I wasn’t even that good of a singer, but our music teacher felt sorry for me. Sorry for what? Who knows? The rumor didn’t make sense, but what do you expect out of twelve-year-old girl.  It wasn’t long until I figured out that Breanna had spread the rumor around. This new rumor reeked of the same nonsensical details of the first one.

In German class, I had told a table including Breanna that my best friend Sara* and I were bored one night during a sleepover at my house. Our boredom was mixed with Top 40 radio of the late 90’s and a package of unused glow stars (Do they still sell those things? All I know was that the walls in my room was covered in them and it was AWESOME!). We were having our own personal rave without the added supplements (We were high on life, or not having one). We were having goofy innocent fun and Sara*, being the hilarious girl she was, decided to kick it up a notch by putting two small glow stars on her chest as if they were her nipples. This was the funniest part of my story and the girls in German class seemed to agree.

My story was a hit! I spent most of the day glowing in my triumph of relating to more girls my age.  I was no longer the shy and awkward girl. Instead I was the hilarious girl, who told great stories. The feeling lasted all but four hours. Throughout the day I kept getting looks from various peers in my class. I chalked it up to the fact that most of them heard how awesomely hilarious I was. Some of the boys that generally ignored me where making actual eye contact and even smiling at me!

By afternoon gym class I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then my new world was crushed and I wanted to crawl under the nearest rock. One of my close friends, Cass* brought me down to reality.

“Is it true that you and Sara were doing naked lesbian dances with glow stars all over your body in your bedroom?” She asked.

I was shocked, first of all what the HELL were “naked lesbian dances”? Second, who even mentioned being naked?

At the exact moment I realized that all the smiles and direct eye contact were actually snickers at my expense. The worst part was that the only other person that could truly say what really went on in my bedroom, Sara, was out sick with the flu.

When I found out who started the rumor (Breanna), I didn’t do anything about it. I was too embarrassed and wanted the whole thing to blow over and eventually it did. Yet when you go to such a small school and live in an equally small town it is hard to live that stuff down. Just another reason to not let your kids go to a K-12 school folks!

The most awkward part? Having to call Sara after school and say, “So apparently we are Lesbos who like to do naked star dances…hope your feeling better, bye.”

*Names were changed because their real names weren’t as good.