When I was fifteen I wanted four kids, a beautiful stay at home husband, and to be a world-class chef (or novelist, or editor for Entertainment Weekly). I figured it would happen when I was old, you know, like twenty-four. I got into my twenties, and my timetable seemed to be coming too quickly. I decided I liked the freedom of no children when my friends started to settle down and have them. There was even a time where I decided that maybe kids were not for me. I ended up getting married at twenty-four. My husband and I were on the same page about waiting to have kids. So we decided on a five-year plan. Five years to finish school, go on crazy trips, and enjoy a childfree existence.
Now at the age twenty-eight, I have one year left and am still having doubts of being a parent. Part of me feels ready, but I feel like it is a constant struggle in deciding. Some days I wake up and go, ” We can do this! I feel like a child would not be that screwed up in this environment.” Other days I question if I can properly take care of myself let alone a baby. Here are three reasons that still plague my decision to have children.
This concern is one that scares me the most. I am that type of person that looks at all the negative outcomes of a situation before attempting it. It is the same procedure I go through when doing something “daring”, like flying on a commercial flight. What if I hold the baby wrong and screw up its neck? I heard that’s a thing that can happen. What if I don’t know when they are sick? What if I am that parent that forgets the child on top of their car or in a shopping cart? People try to reassure me that most parents don’t know what they are doing. You can’t fool me with your “modest” act people! You are just trying to get us non-child folks to join your parent cult!
Sometimes I forget kids are kids. I try to have adult conversations with them. Trying to relate to some kids is really unbearable. More recently I have gotten a little better at this. I have two nephews under the age of four, and we get along just fine. They are pretty awesome, most of the time. I feel like they have helped change my view from “never having kids” to “ok, maybe if they are as cool as them.” My husband and I have already come to the conclusion that we will probably love our nephews more than our own children. The truth hurts, future children of mine. With other children though, I just don’t know what they want from me. I feel like kids are constantly staring at me because they can smell the fear and doubt that I have.
I still feel like kids can be creepy. For example, some of the scariest movie moments for me involve old-timey children ghosts or possessed ones looking to murder you in your sleep. They are on par with killer clowns in the freaky factor. With my luck, I would be that parent with a kid whose cats go missing a lot. My fear of children may be based on fictional characters from movies and TV, but real kids are just as creepy. Do me a favor and Google “creepy things kids say.” I will wait. I apologize now if you already have a “creepy” kid of your own.
I am closing in on my last year before my five-year plan “expires”, and it makes me nervous. I know that my concerns of having a child are at least semi-normal. Right, RIGHT?? One thing I can say is that the older I get, the more I think I can do this. In the end, I know that one day I will probably be a good mom and with any luck, the kid will be pretty awesome too.