Tag Archives: writing

Thirty Two years

 

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It was my birthday this past week, actually as I am writing this it is my birthday today. Happy Birthday to me.  I turned thirty two years old, and that astonishes me. Somedays I still feel like I’m eighteen years old questioning the direction of my life. I don’t know about you, but I do a lot of reflecting around this time of year.

This year, I questioned a lot of things. Like the many reasons interviews are the worst experiences for me. Who decided that a fifteen minute talk with an absolute stranger was the best way to sort out a candidate? If you haven’t guessed I am not the Meryl Streep of interviews, I am more like the Nicholas Cage, screaming incoherently not being about to control the volume of my voice. I like Nicholas Cage by the way, but I think he has been phoning it in for awhile now because he can. He is Nicholas fucking Cage after all.  

Anyways…

The other day I was thinking about the things I loved now versus the things I loved as a teenager. Back then, I was obsessed with music and above all else, singing. I started my singing career by winning a spot in Honor’s Choir in sixth grade. Choir class, especially in high school, was the one place where I felt I could be myself. One time, I auditioned for a solo in “Blue Moon” were I had to scat. SCAT. I was fifteen and didn’t even know what scatting was, but I did the best I could and apparently I was the least horrendous because I got the part! I still remember that solo, because I practiced it a thousand times in my bedroom, driving my family insane. My parents probably thought I was possessed by the devil with all the “bee bobs and dadas” flowing out of my bedroom. Though I was unsure about my abilities to perform, our choir was filled with like minded kids that loved singing just as much as I did; it was a bully free zone. The bullies were usually outside of the classroom waiting to make fun of you because you had a passion for something creative.  I never understood that, until I grew up and realized the real world can be the exact same way.

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Reenactment of a fifteen year old with no rhythm.

It seems like everyone I know questions why I would choose something so hard like being a writer. I see their point, sometimes.  We live in a society where we are told to be more “realistic” and to “be happy with just having a job.” I find myself questioning if I made the right choice ALL. THE. TIME. 

While I love writing, I question whether I love it as much as I loved choir when I was a kid. Whether I have the talent and confidence I somehow found in that classroom. Whether I will ever find a safe place to be myself again, as safe as that room filled with twenty teenagers belting out a version of “Blue Moon” at the top of their lungs.

What do you most reflect or question when looking at your past? I would love to know! Thanks for reading. 

From the Desk of Anxiety, Your One True Friend

(because you know all your other “friends” just deal with because your Mom has been paying them to since the 6th grade.)

Dear You,

I just wanted to check in on you today, see what is going on in your life. I mean I already know everything, but I like when lie and say you have your shit together. Like when your Mom calls and you tell her everything is great while eating boxed mac and cheese out of a red solo cup for the third time that week. Classic you. You’re are one of my closest friends, besides the other 40 million people that I send my love to everyday, but who’s counting friends? Well, I do for you, just to remind you that you are the only person in the world that has lost friends as they get older. Everyone else still talks to their best friend from the 3rd grade because they are better than you.  Ugh, I am totally getting sidetracked here. The reason I wanted to reach out to you today was because I feel like you don’t appreciate me. I know you may not always want my help, but I am always there for you.

I remember when you were just a kid, around twelve years old and Shyness and Awkwardness introduced you to me.  Since that day, I knew that we would be together forever. Let’s cut to the chase, I put in a lot of work in this relationship, and all you do is complain that I am ruining your life. So ungrateful.  Who was the one that warned you to not be that loser who goes into the Homecoming dance alone freshmen year? Lynn and Jessica said they would meet you out front at 7, but didn’t show up until 7:10, because they probably  saw that gross blue dress you wore and thought if they waited it out that you would just go home. I am still a little mad that you didn’t take my advice to just leave because no one was going to dance with you anyways. I’m all about compromise though, at least we waited for them at the entrance, trying to not make eye contact with all the better looking kids as they passed by with their actual dates. I guess Awkwardness had a hand in that decision too, but she can be soooo annoying, don’t you agree? She always tries to take credit for all your best failures. When you know more than anyone I am the one that does everything.

Hey! I just remembered that one time you were sleeping, like getting a rare full night’s sleep, but I was a little bored, so I woke you up to remind you of that time you tripped in front of Jimmy Mitchel, your 7th grade crush. How embarrassing for you. You could have totally married him by now if you didn’t have me. Dodged a bullet there, didn’t Facebook say he is a doctor or something, way out of your league. You’re welcome!   At least you are married now, even though you didn’t even listen when I said it was a trap. By the way, how is that going? I didn’t know how to say this any other way, but I think he was googling lawyer’s offices, divorce lawyers probably. He may be planning to leave you any day now, but at least you have me to be the shoulder that reminds you that you are going to die alone! I am not convinced he really loved you anyways, I mean he says it all the time, but maybe you should concerned that he says it too much…just a thought.

Wait…WHAT THE- YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME…

I know what you did, just now, as I was pouring my soul to you, about how I am so amazing at being your friend and how shitty you are.  I just can’t believe you would betray me like this. Yes, I know you just googled “Ways to get rid of Anxiety.” Which is like some sort of joke right? Just like that article you found listing ways to “get rid of me?

Let’s see here…meditation? I love when your brain’s quiet, it gives me more time to remind you that sore neck you have had for two weeks is probably the big C.  Exercise? You trying to keep up with that walking eight pack next to you on the treadmill is like my bread and butter, next! Socializing more? Who wrote this? I LOVE PEOPLE, especially strangers. They are the absolute best, because then I can remind how you make the worst first impression as you are making it! Job Interviews are like going to Disneyworld for me. I don’t get why you would want to end our friendship like this, just out of the blue.

I can think of so many good times we have had over the years. How much I have grown, and you have grown physically, mentally not so much. Everyone you know is smarter than you obviously.

I just wanted to tell you how much I care. So, because I am such a loyal friend, if you want me to give you some space, I can be the bigger person and do that.  Just know, that I will miss what we have.

Farewell good friend,

Anxiety

P.S. Just kidding! I’m actually planning a party tonight to celebrate your lack of accomplishments, special guest is Shame! I know, I know, I am the wind beneath your wings. Go ahead and invite anyone you want (they won’t show up, because they think you are boring). Just don’t tell Awkwardness, she is THE WORST.